#155 - How dyou like them Oilers?

More often than not I have been finding myself staring at the bottom of coffee cups, steamed milk being the only thing I can inhale nowadays. The more I consume in coffee, the more fluid leaks from my brain. They tell you about the hardships, but they never tell you how much you crave sleep. After all, you never know how how much you need it after you lost it. And fuck I am knackered alright? How am I meant to post on current events when I don't have caffeine pumping in my veins?

Nowadays is over, Jordi is back with well... One or two things. And Draft Day is rarely a very exciting topic, to the casual fan or even the regular fan. However one thing is for sure, Wedden (Wade Redden of course, not his stupid brother Wedden Redden) was not traded for Lupul and shiny picks. And it seems that we have welcomed three gentle players with outstretched arms (Counting the Habs, I do have in total 5 squee babies to worship and of course, abuse). I introduce to you, the three musketeers of the troubled Oilers Franchise.

(Other er, things include the Hot-Oil take, the abusive BoA open post, and the CinO droplets. Oh and the Fanhouse 4 question grill on Gagner, he don't like the 5-hole ladies.)

Sam Gagner is, according to Hannah, insanely hot. Though he has a smile like Greg Brady, he's not slouch in the looks department. Boasting some flashy stats, one can only hope he doesn't deflate like a cheap hooker. Nice pick K Lowe, I mean grabbing a hottie so the girls don't miss Lupul too much when I kick his sorry ass to Kansas.

Alex Plante was born with a gift, you could say he was a special child. The little Calgary boy would dream every day of being an Oiler while every other kid was cattle roping or whatever it is they do in Calgary. When his father gave him a hockey stick, he rode it all the way to Edmonton, knocked on Kevin Lowe's door, and he got the magic words of Mr Lowe: "You're hired".

Riley Nash sounds like a rockstar, unfortunately he never really got into that line of work (I mean most rockers have to make a stage name, he already has one!). The ginger kid is apparently a little "soft", which probably will translate to erectile dysfunction. But with all those problems, it'll probably make him madder and many will then quake in their boots to hear the words "RILEY NASH!".

And look you Leafs fans, I may not like you much, you're all probably great and awesome people in real life but in Hockey terms, you're the old lady who kicks kitties. The fact that now you've got Toskala in on the deal is probably awful because I bet he loves kitties and thinks they're fun to play with. But you know... trade him. You don't need him you know? You know?

#154 - Hockey Reading for the offseason

Like to read? Okay, stupid question – but are you a fan of novels of a more… feminine persuasion? Um, let me try again – how about dirty novels that are meant to make your knees weak over a man that looks vaguely like Fabio or that underwear model?

I can’t really say how I fell in love with the novels myself; I have two older sisters – one an avid reader of romance. I liked reading and well, it was interesting education when I was young.

Nonetheless to all you girls wondering if I’ve gone bonkers, I just wanted to attempt to bring to attention the amount of sport themed books which exist more often now. Sure they’re not as big a sensation as the paranormal genre but it’s exactly that kind of lack of prominence which makes it a little hard to spot in the romance section sometimes. Though to be honest, the Borders here has a shoddy range but there’s a romance store that we take occasional trips to and they’re very busy women with a good sense of what’s hot and not.

While most of the books have to be hockey related, I have to be honest and say they’re not a dreamy kind. I’ve managed to scrape up the odd sports book, my most recent new read being the NASCAR books of doom. I really wanted to make a list for others and kind of do half assed recommendations of what to read and what not to read.

(By the way, the HLOG did a little feature on Deidre Martin on her recent book, Chasing Stanley. Check it out for, you know, hits.)

See Jane Score by Rachel Gibson
Synopsis: Jane is a frustrated female trying to make ends meet by writing a dating column for a newspaper and porno short stories in a men’s interest magazine. When the newspaper’s sports beat reporter gets sick and she’s sent to fill in and draw in a women’s crowd, she enters the world of the Seattle Chinooks hockey team. When they try their best to scare her away, convinced that she is nothing but bad luck to the team, she unwittingly becomes their lucky charm for the Chinooks’ drive for the playoffs. However at the same time she’s falling for Luc Martineau, the superstar goalie who was the very first player who wanted her out.
Basic Storyline: Jackass star player falls for sports reporter. Amazing sex, period.
Jordi’s short notes: Love it, love it, love it. It’s a classic for every single romance loving hockey fan. I’ve read it quite a bit since it’s got a bit of humour and a lot of chemistry. Plus, Luc was the prototype of the sexy jock struck dumb by the bombshell heroine. It’s even more fun that he’s French Canadian and was drafted by Edmonton. So by default he belongs to us.
Read it for: The hockey puns and sexual innuendos.

That's it for Part one of the series, more to follow.

#153 - Photoshop Tuesday.

By popular demand:

My friends were in charge of the japanese and korean sections. I'm editor in chief. Think Devil Wears Prada cept with more uberness.

#152 - If the blogosphere where more like the NHL

First well yeah the HLOG would obviously be the NHLPA albeit a way more awesome one with weekly magazines and talk shows and reality summer seasons.

Aside from that, I'd like to first and foremost explain that these quotes are just things I pulled out of my ass, none of these bloggers would ever agree to the things I make them say.

If the blogosphere were like the NHL, we'd hold an annual draft pick, have trade deadlines and most of all, blog furiously in hopes to win the Stanley Blog - a legendary prize given to the team whose blogs defeat their opponents. The pre-season seems rosy up until Ducks blogger Sleek is posessed by the ghost of Pronger. He posts some extremely nasty remarks about many Oiler bloggers which help start the first NHL-blogging rivalry: The Battle of Calberta. Says Sleek

It's not fair you gotta hate one someone like me just cause the Ducks got the steal of the century. It's not fair that you complain about how you can't get a refund on your fully defect Lupul. And it's not fair that you hate me cause I- er... Pronger had to join the Ducks cause of personal reasons.

The unexpected hatred between two tragic teams has caused headache throughout the NHL. However no bigger headache is the continual echo of "Oh don't get drafted by the Habs, your blogging career dies in the Habs". E, Bleu Blanc Et Rouge & Macaskill have shown the promise of a much more articulate team, however their glory is overshadowed when Mirtle is suddenly shockingly signed to the Leafs to a 15 year deal. Everyone boos but you can't fight the juicy salary they offered with bonuses not counting towards the Blogger cap.

The Washington Capitals are ousted, being caught with more bloggers than allowed under the current cap. However, after bringing home the Calder, the OnFrozenBlog team are already setting the league buzzing with what may happen next and whether Sidney Crosby will be able to win the awards and points this time round.

Additionally, the Flames were found to have a heapload of salary and instead of dumping all hopes on their version of Kipper, they employed a new band of trustworthy henchmen. Oiler fans jumped off their bandwagon and as well promptly shat themselves as they missed the playoffs despite high hopes.

Hello shitty Oiler fans, prepare to be schooled in the world of hockey.

-- A delusional fan of the Flames despite a very puny downfall in their own playoff performance.

The biggest attributive to the Oiler's dashed hopes was when Grabia was suddenly shockingly traded to the Islanders after complications in finalising a long term deal.

It's like when Smyth was dealt to the Islanders. I just wanna win the Stanley Blog with them and bring it home!

Not a lot really happens through the whole season. After Steph knocked out the Sharks chances, we knew everything was going to the shitter. Ultimately the evil won and Vancouver Canucks fans boycotted Finger Eleven much to Luongo's dismay.

In other news, one of my favourite shows - produced by the god of all in Australia, Anthony Lapaglia (of Without a Trace fame) - Nerds FC has started recently with its second season. It's a bootcamp which gets a team of nerds and attempts to teach them the fine aspects of soccer. You somehow fall in love with each of them as one shouts shirtless "I have a golfer's tan!" and at one point against an U-11 elite squad, one claims "I don't know what sugar they were feeding those kids, I want some". My favourite part has to be where the coach Craig Foster (an ex-footballer) deadpans that according to their statistics and measurements, those players were clinically dead.

#151 - AKA a reason why you should watch the Habs this offseason (not the first but hey)

I think everyone knows what is meant to be in this post. (biggest question of the day: "You're not a Blackhawks fan are you?" - If the Hawks looked great in a tux then I'm a fan... Oh wait. Ahhhhh I'll get back to you all on that question)

I'm not going to be seething and angry, I expected a buyout but you know - at least some money will be saved. I know this can be put down as "oh Jordi's bitter don't listen to her" but I love the echo of "Gainey has a blockbuster deal soon!". Hello 2006? Oh sorry thought you were around again. (At least maybe we could've snapped Pronger's arms before he went to the Ducks).

Nonetheless my chunky monkey (you know Gordon Ramsay said that on Hell's Kitchen and I nearly had to leave the room laughing) is going to a place with no pressure. Have a good time! Don't like, suck or anything! (I'm not being sarcastic, I'm still very optimistic). I don't know, maybe it's not really sunk in until he's wearing those hideous jerseys or - oh crap. This is actually horrible for him. But hey, his wife wins. And everyone knows that's what matters, right Lauren?

And Hannah helped console me, telling me that there's gotta be a reason why Sammy can't work. I am pretty convinced that there was a lot of differences in tactics where Carbonneau just couldn't integrate the things that couldn't be changed into his plan. I actually really like Carbonneau, I think he can get the ball rolling but he jumps too ahead sometimes and he doesn't take failing very well. The team isn't horrible, heck I can't actually believe the team is worthless, not when I saw them singlehandedly defeat the Sabres in a way which makes my heart flutter from the sheer excitement of it. I really reckon there's a lot in Carbonneau that can improve, and it will happen - hopefully with the Habs.

In other news, crickets chirped and Cullimore & Salmelainen look like they just got off the set of Dawson's Creek.